Just imagine: you’re peacefully eating hummus, watching the sunset over the Mediterranean, and then – bam! – the Middle East reminds us that we’re only dreaming. This time, Iran and Turkey put on such a show that even we in Israel ran out of popcorn. The BBC called it “unprecedented”, but let’s be honest – everything here is unprecedented until they start shooting.
It all started with a Turkish minister, Hakan Fidan, who decided that he was the new sultan of comedy. He was sitting on Al Jazeera and said: “Hey, Iran, you better watch out for your bearded friends next door, because we can make a revolution right in the ayatollah’s bedroom.” You know, like, “You play with fire, and we’ll bring the petrol”. The Iranians, of course, took this as an invitation to a duel – only instead of swords, they had microphones and offended looks.
Tehran immediately summoned the Turkish ambassador to the Foreign Ministry, like a mother summoning her son to the headmaster because of his bad behaviour. A certain Mahmoud Heydari – it sounds like the name of the uncle who sells you spices at the bazaar, but no, this is their head of Europe – started wagging his finger: “Hakan, what kind of circus is this? Let’s not make these stupid jokes, we share a common region, let’s drink tea, not throw drones.” The Iranian Foreign Ministry added: “We don’t want to hear this anymore, keep your mouth shut.” But at the same time, they are shouting as if they want to be heard even in Qatar.
The Turks responded by pretending to be above it all. “We will not organise a bazaar,” they say in Ankara, “we will whisper everything in your ear through our spy pigeons. But Iran doesn’t seem to like whispering – they prefer to shout from the rooftops to let everyone know how outraged they are.
Now hold on to your chairs, because this is where the real story begins. Turkey has recently been acting as if it were the biggest star in the Middle East. In the Caucasus, it and Azerbaijan have given Armenia such a ’90s remake that they are still looking for their maps. In Syria, the pro-Turkish guys overthrew Assad faster than I could order a second coffee. And Iran? Iran dreamed that its “Shiite crescent” would be the new hit in the region, but then Erdogan came around the corner with an Ottoman lute and shouted: “Surprise, I’m in charge!”
It’s like a bad comedy: Iran thought it was a cool producer and Turkey was just an extra, but suddenly the extra took the lead, the script and even the director’s chair. And now these two are chasing each other around the Middle East, while we in Israel are sitting around thinking: “Maybe they’ll get tired and go home?”
To be honest, we’re happy about this show. Because while Iran and Turkey are competing to see whose drone is louder, we have a chance to live without news about missiles for at least a day. But knowing our neighbours, one of them will soon say: “Let’s call Israel and let them judge!” And then we will have to take Iron Dome instead of popcorn. So let’s keep our fingers crossed that they just continue to be offended by each other. In the meantime, we’re going to get another hummus, because the show is going to be long.
Author : Aleksandr Potetiuiev
